THE HISTORY OF THE PRESIDENCY PRESIDENT WARREN BEATTY (Take 217) By Jerry Grant

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That's right…Take 217, and he still can't get it right!!
Take his body of work, and when you factor that in against the backdrop of the Oval Office, it's clearly an "Ishtar" box office bomb!!
On the other hand, let's think about this for a second. "WASHINGTON - HOLLYWOOD STYLE" might be just what the country needs.

Picture This…
5:30 am…everyone will have to be on the job , or as President Warren will call it…on the set. Madeleine Albright into "make-up". Not too heavy on the eyeliner and lipstick, Westmore! Then she goes into the trailer and sits there for two hours until the Prime minister of Japan shows up. He is greeted by a bevy of beauties…a little coochi coochi followed by sushi and then a serious discussion on the proliferation matter.

SCENE TWO: Pan over to the war room at the Pentagon…Secretary Cohen and the Generals watching out-takes on large screen of all the loud...noisy…blistering...ear-splitting movie "explosions" which every movie must have before they get a release date which will psyche Secretary Cohen up for his meeting with NATO on the importance of a test ban treaty on Nuclear Explosions. FLASHBACK to President Warren entering the oval office. As expected, he started going in circles! After he pulled himself together, his first official act was to grant amnesty to Robert Downey Jr. By the way, his choice of Pamela Anderson as his vice president was pure Hollywood hype, as she will distract the press as he babbles on!

Now remember, every president has to surround himself with 'presidential advisers'(who can cash in on the books later) so consider this my application.

With a full schedule of events on the White House calendar, we can only guess how President Warren will handle them. For example, there is a meeting with the Dahli Llama. Whatever you do, don't bring up the movie "Shampoo"!

We see there is a major conference on the Economy scheduled for next week. "Your best bet is to just call in sick".

Next, I suggest that you introduce THE BEATTY CRIME BILL. Announce that you are going to build 'NEW PRISONS' behind every 7-11. As soon as the criminals are caught on the spot…they will be taken right through the potato chip section directly to jail. The public will love you for this. When you appear before the NATIONAL ENVIRONMENTAL ASSOCIATION…remind them that when you heard McDonald's announce they were switching to 'paperboard', you proposed that they switch to meat!

Let the crowd know you are in favor of DOWNSIZING the government. Tell them you support the party's plan to eliminate 30,000 postal workers…just as soon as they come back from deliveries. When you attend the Town Meeting of the Pro-Choicers versus the Pro-Lifers…if you have a 'choice', run for your life!

EDUCATION…This is on the minds of every parent. Let them know right away…you are going to request an enormous increase in the National Education Budget. Tell them you will not waste it on books and teachers, but on security guards…cameras…x-ray machines and lots of sniffing canines. When they question you on HEALTH CARE…tell them your plan is revolutionary. You're going to send the sick to Canada. They have free health care there. It's important to veto something every now and then…so let's start with Donald Trump, and direct his massive ego to laboratory tests.

Now, as for the "STATE OF THE UNION" message…just show them tapes of "THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW"!

When you come before Congress, don't let them intimidate you. They have a bigger shopping list than Roseanne Barr. Tell them you will meet them half way…you'll give them half of what they need and half of what they don't need.

And whatever you do, don't make your former girlfriend, MADONNA…an intern. The CIA has become so huge and so vast, they don't know who or what they are investigating anymore. It would be a sterling political move to declassify JESSIE VENTURA. Remember, George Bush chose to be the 'education' president, so your best bet is to go in the opposite direction.

Also, your cabinet can be very useful because that will give you plenty of others to blame. Stay away from OSCAR losers…too many tantrums! And who better to head the SPACE PROGRAM Then your sister Shirley MacLaine!

The public has to be stroked, so stick with the theme of raising their hopes, not their taxes. Finally, the press will smother you with nightly news bites. Keep the Calamine lotion handy. And stay in touch with your Hollywood agent.