History of Sex: Satire by Jerry Grant

I know it doesn't happen on Park Avenue...I know it doesn't happen on State Street, and I know it doesn't happen on Rodeo Drive, but you could be walking down a street in Holland when suddenly a window will start winking at you. And if you look close, the next window will wink and flick an inviting finger right in your innocent face. If you keep on walking, the next window will either wink you or moon you. You may suddenly realize you're in Holland...where windows are a dime-a-dozen...but the girls in them are not.

Since it is such a highly competitive game of chance, the girls have to become very ingenious to outdo each other and attract customers.

For example, some of them have already picked up American merchandising habits. Valerie in window 22 is giving out coupons. But we must tell you, they are not good weekdays except Mondays or between 8 A.M. and 3 P.M. Thursday and Saturday during the Tulip Festival, so be sure to read the small print carefully. Jennifer on the other hand, believes in "Say it with flowers." Each customer gets a gardenia that they can hold between their teeth during 'you know what'. Repeaters get an autographed vase with inscriptions of the time and place and duration.

Lillian goes for the hi-tech stuff. You can get your own action video...sort of like the newest craze Karaoke for an additional $25 bucks. She's doing such a bust out business, that she's added a 3 camera crew already.

A very popular window highlighted with neon bulbs belonged to Elecktra. She had such a high energy come on that you hardly noticed the rock band surrounding the bed. They followed the action with immaculate precision.

Then there was "Moaning Lisa". She just sat in a rocking chair, stared and moaned. Believe it or not, she was popular with the shy and the timid.

Now, in case you think everyone was having fun, let me stop you right there, and remind you of Helga. Looking in Helga's window you could see her bouncing her customers off the walls...jabbing them in the eyes...and kicking them in the knees. No question about it, she was into S&M...S&B...and then she added S&L. (You know, the saving and loan crooks who don't care how they squander your money.)

The real crowd pleaser, however was Genevieve. She played hostess with the mostess to the entire Estonia bowling team. Most of them were 'striking out' but she seemed to have plenty to 'spare'. We couldn't keep score.

Pretty interesting and educational stuff, huh? Next week we move on to the Hungarian Baths. Oops, in the excitement over our window discovery, we almost forgot to tell you about Lady Ashley. Now she obviously went to 'finishing school', because everyone sez that after Lady Ashley, they're finished. Apparently, she has been taking some kind of steroids to overcome the age factor, and her endurance has startled even some of the best discus throwers in the Olympics.

Several customers have been caught by the camera, and several have been caught by their wives. Window shopping can be fatal!