AT LAST… A LIVE-IN LAWYER
IN EVERY HOME

GO AHEAD…MAKE MY DAY!

NOW THAT WE HAVE “A LIVE-IN LAWYER” LIKE EVERY OTHER HOUSEHOLD…I DARE YOU TO CALL ME IN THE MIDDLE OF MY DELICIOUS DINNER TO SELL ME A WATER FILTER!

IF YOU HAVE ANY LIQUID ASSETS, ‘WATER PERSON’…YOU BETTER LOOK OUT!

THIS ‘LIVE-IN LAWYER” TREND IS WONDERFUL. THERE WAS A TIME WHEN YOU HAD TO WAIT A HALF AN HOUR BEFORE A LAWYER CONTACTED YOU TO HANDLE YOUR TUMBLE AT THE SUPERMARKET.

NOW YOU CAN TAKE A SPILL AND SERVE A BILL AT THE SAME TIME.

THE COURTS…THE JUDGES…THE LAW CLERKS…THEIR FACES ARE SO TERROR STRICKEN WITH THIS NEW AVALANCHE OF LAWSUITS THAT EVEN THE DISCOMBOBULATED THERAPISTS ARE WORKING ON TIME AND A HALF TRYING TO PREVENT THE JUDGES FROM ‘CRUMBLING’.

EVERYBODY WILL NOW GET THEIR DAY IN COURT…TODAY…TOMORROW…AND THE NEXT DAY.

HEY…YOU’RE BETTER OFF ‘CORKING YOUR DOG’ RATHER THAN HAVE HIM DROP HIS POOP ON OUR LAWN. IF YOU LOOK CAREFULLY, THE PAPERS ARE IN YOUR MAILBOX ALREADY!

WE WANT TO REMIND CYBERCUTS HAIR SALON…THAT THE NEXT TIME THEY GIVE US A LYLE LOVETT HAIRCUT, THEY WILL BE COMBING THEIR BANK ACCOUNT IN A “HAIR-RAISING” SUIT.

MOVE INTO OUR PARKING SPOT ONE MORE TIME, AND YOU WILL NOTICE A PIECE OF PAPER UNDER YOUR WIPER THAT WILL NOT BE A FLYER FOR A MOVIE…BUT RATHER A WRIT FOR YOUR TUSH!

AND IF THE QUIK-SHOP REFUSES TO TAKE BACK THE OVERRIPE CANTALOUPE THIS TIME…ARE THEY GOING TO SUFFER STOMACH PAINS!

WE WARNED THE CHINESE RESTAURANTS TO LEAVE OUT THE MSG, WHICH ALWAYS LED TO A HORRIBLE, HEAD POUNDING WE DIDN’T NEED. NOW THEY GET THE HOSPITAL BILLS EVERY TUESDAY ‘TILL THE NEXT MILLENNIUM!

YOU’VE SEEN PEOPLE SUFFER WITH TENNIS ELBOW, I’M SURE. WELL, YOU AIN’T SEEN NOTHING ‘TILL YOU SEE “MOP ELBOW”. IT COMES FROM WATCHING THE INFOMERCIAL THAT SEZ “ JUST TWIST THE MOP AND IT DOES ALL THE WORK”. WELL WE TWISTED …AND NOW IT’S THEIR TURN TO TWIST WHEN THEY GET THE PAPERS DURING BROADCAST!

THE ORANGE GROVE SCAM IS THE PITS! THE ORANGE GROVE THAT YOU BOUGHT LAST WEEK WAS A ‘LEMON’ INSTEAD. NOW ORANGE SCAMMERS, WE’RE GOING TO SQUEEZE YOU DRY…SO YOUR LIFE WILL BE THE PITS!

LET’S FACE IT…LAWYERS DON’T COME CHEAP. YOU STILL HAVE TO FEED THEM.

AND YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ALL THOSE LAWYER JOKES THAT WE ARE INUNDATED WITH ALREADY.

HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT THE LAWYER THAT FELL OUT OF HIS YACHT INTO A POOL OF SHARKS AND LIVED? ‘PROFESSIONAL COURTESY’ WE’RE TOLD!

HOW ABOUT THE O.J. CIRCUS… THE MYSTERY ENVELOPE? THAT WAS NO MYSTERY ENVELOPE …THAT WAS SHAPIRO’S BILL…

THEN THERE WAS THE DEFENDANT CHARGED WITH EMBEZZLEMENT. HE WENT TO COURT WITHOUT COUNSEL.

THE JUDGE ASKED, “HOW COME YOU DON’T HAVE A LAWYER?” THE SUSPECT EXPLAINED, “WELL, YOUR HONOR, I DID HAVE AN ATTORNEY…BUT AS SOON AS HE FOUND OUT THAT I DIDN’T STEAL THE $50,000…HE WOULDN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME.”

I DON’T KNOW WHAT UPSET SHAKESPEARE WHEN HE SAID “KILL ALL THE LAWYERS”.

WELL, SHAKE…I’M HAVING A FIELD DAY SINCE HENRY MOVED INTO OUR REC-ROOM.

OOPS…HERE COME THOSE BRATS WITH THAT DAMN BOOM-BOX AGAIN!

OH, HENNNRRYY!!!

Satire Nite Live By Jerry Grant