20 million bucks and all it got you was a ride in a rocket rumble seat ...all shook up like a milk shake. A walk in space and none of your friends showed up to greet you! C’mon TITO, you can do better than that.

You could have bought the Empire State ‘express elevator’ to the top and then you could see the Cincinnati riots whenever you want.

Or you could reach the ultimate 'high' by partying with Robert Downey, Jr. (Except you have to like cleaning prison latrines.)

Now I could have gotten you a good deal on a bus to Biloxi for $39.95. But no... you had to get all the Russians excited since they haven’t seen a check for 20 million since they sold some missile secrets to Iraq!

Unfortunately, your frequent flyer benefits are only good if you plan on flying to JUPITER on Tuesday or MARS on Thursdays , and you don’t get lunch or dinner.

You may have started something very bad for the travel business, because travel agents are already complaining that if the Russians are selling space for 20 million dollars, they are forcing Delta and United to offer extra bags of peanuts on some of their flights and stay-overs! Scalpers are starting to show up at the air terminals, and if you are offered a special blue Sputnik ticket, you should be made aware that a nice couple from Nebraska bought 2 tickets…were rushed into a simulated rocket made out of a wrecked water heater tube with Firestone tires lifted by a bungee crane, and thrust into the Mississippi river, never to be heard from again!!

This may have opened a whole new "vacation package", so you have to be very careful. Scalpers and Scam artists are everywhere! This has caused a furor over at NASA who plans on sending up Pamela Anderson just to get even with the Russians. At least we know she won’t need floating paraphernalia to keep her in mid-flight when she gets there….